If at first you don’t succeed

Every gathering, every meeting, every phone call and every email had that one constant theme running through it. Every person I had ever known wanted to know when Rajiv and I were planning to start a family. People asked me this ALL the time and I wanted to tell them, but I was always afraid that once I start, I wouldn’t be able to stop talking or worse, crying. I wanted to spare myself the embarrassment. But the fact of the matter was that Rajiv and I had been trying for close to 20 months to get pregnant. Month after month we got our hopes up and month after month we had to struggle to remain sane through the constant disappointment.

After many months of trying natural methods, we decided to visit a doctor. It was a very tough decision to make. The possibility that one or both of us could be “defective” was always hanging over our heads like a noose. More importantly, I think I had some kind of a mental block. I wanted my baby to be conceived the normal way. I wanted it to be an act of love and not a medical procedure. I had to finally give up these romanticized notions. So we scheduled an appointment and went to the doctor together. I made peace with the fact that having a baby and starting a family is more important that holding on to girlish dreams. No matter how my child is conceived, he or she would be special in every way. So I made a personal promise to myself to stay positive through whatever lay ahead of me and went ahead with the appointment.

As I sat in the waiting room, I made a mental list of my medical history as well as that of my family. I was paranoid about providing as much info as possible so that they could get to the bottom of the problem and get me started on a treatment plan. Apart from the usual weight check and blood pressure check, the doctor then started to ask us very personal questions. I mean, we don’t even discuss these things with our closest friends, leave alone a complete stranger. It was quite an embarrassing experience! After that I went through the complete routine of blood tests, pelvic ultrasounds and even an HSG. Rajiv wasn’t spared either. The worst part was that ambiguous stage where we had done all the tests and were just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring wit the results. I had no interest in anything else. After all that, we were told that there was nothing wrong with us; our tests were just fine. Now, I know you might think that it would’ve been a relief but it was really just the opposite. I was so frustrated! If there was nothing wrong with either of us, why couldn’t we conceive?

We were then advised to continue trying to conceive by calculating the days of ovulation and having sex on those days. I had charts and tables and even schedules drawn up for Rajiv and me. Sadly, month after month, I failed to get pregnant and there was hardly any intimacy left between us. As a newly married couple we had enjoyed the love making so much. Now it just felt like a mechanical routine. The thing is that the effect of this whole issue was more psychological than anything else. I craved having a baby bump. I got annoyed with other pregnant women who complained about pregnancy. I blamed myself for my barrenness – was God punishing me for being a selfish human being? My sex drive crashed entirely. Rajiv got tired of my constant state of depression. It was altogether the most tiresome phase of my life.

After 20 months of disappointment and seeing that dreaded one line on my pregnancy test, I’m glad to report that I finally won the jackpot! Yup, I finally saw those elusive two lines on the test and am now 5 months pregnant. Initially I was very superstitious and didn’t want to jinx my pregnancy but now my doctor assures me that all is well and well, that’s why I sat down to write this blog. The fact of the matter is that you need not feel alone – I have come to realize that infertility is something a large number of women have to deal with. Remember, its all about calculations and numbers and dates and schedules. And though this can be exhausting and tiresome, the first sight of that positive pregnancy test makes it completely worth it all! Don’t give up hope – Your baby is waiting to be born!

3 thoughts on “If at first you don’t succeed”

  1. Dear Sujitha,
    I loved reading your blog. I got so involved in your story.. felt really bad for u. but now I am so happy to hear that you are expecting. All the best for your delivery. Wish you and your family are happy always.

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